Blog 61: Healing Triggers, Building Bonds: A Parent Coach’s Story
Discover the journey of a mum-turned-certified parent coach, embracing peaceful and empathetic parenting.
Introduction
Meet Jaymie, a mum of two and a certified parent coach. Her journey into peaceful parenting began after witnessing the impact of traditional discipline methods on her children. Determined to find a better way, she sought training and became a certified coach. Now, she helps parents heal their triggers and model emotional regulation. Explore how empathy and connection can transform your parenting experience and create a more harmonious family life with Jaymie's insights and guidance.
Introduction: Jaymie, tell me about yourself, your personality, and your passion. How do you serve yourself? Also, how do you serve the community?
I am an immigrant from the Philippines who came to Singapore in 2009. As a mother of two based here in Singapore, I understand the unique challenges and joys of parenting. My journey led me to become a certified parent coach through the Jai Institute for Parenting and a results coach certified by Authentic Education. I've been coaching for over two years, nearing three, and it's been a transformative experience.
Before diving into parent coaching, I worked in healthcare, which gave me valuable insights into the well-being of families.
In my community, I advocate for parents to heal their triggers and model emotional regulation to their kids. I came from a family where yelling and physical punishment were standard, and I realised that a lot of what's wrong in society - the war and mental health problems, can be remedied through empowering parents with the right tools for healing and parenting.
10 Questions for Jaymie
1.Parenting Philosophy: What led you to embrace peaceful parenting, and how does it differ from traditional parenting methods?
I subscribe to the peaceful parenting philosophy, which uses empathy and connection to discipline their kids. I also believe that a child’s behaviour communicates an unmet need. The pandemic led me to embrace peaceful parenting, and I remember that moment as if it were yesterday. I remember my kids cowering in fear after I lashed out at them, bracing themselves for what was coming next. I remember the pleading look in their eyes, and my heart tightened as I watched them cry. I knew that something had to change and that I couldn’t do it alone. So, I went for parenting courses and engaged a coach. I learned that gentle parenting is a form of authoritative parenting style where parents learn to regulate their emotions to model them to their kids. Discipline is taught through modelling, collaboration, consequences, and setting clear boundaries. It differs from traditional parenting in that the power is shared between the parent and child rather than the parent having control over the child.
2. Emotional Regulation: Can you explain the importance of mastering emotional regulation for parents and its impact on parenting?
A study conducted here in Singapore revealed that parents who knew how to regulate their emotions raised children who are more resilient. Because when kids learn from their parents how to regulate their feelings even during tough times, they grow up knowing they can get through anything. It gives them confidence and reassurance. This is the biggest impact emotional regulation has on families. Imagine if we all grew up seeing our parents regulate their emotions to be able to handle difficult circumstances that life throws their way… that impacts not only families but society as well!
3. Trigger Management: How do you help parents identify and heal their triggers to prevent reactive parenting like yelling?
In my one-to-one coaching sessions, I have a process where I elicit the parent's triggers by getting to the root of their childhood experiences, as well as the habits they do that sabotage them. I then lead them through a process of letting that go. It’s important to get to the root of those triggers and be aware of what our body feels like during those moments. I’ve heard parents say that they can go from 0 to 10 on their anger thermometer, and the reason is we don’t fully understand our triggers.
4. Discipline Strategies: What effective discipline strategies don't involve yelling or harsh punishments?
There are plenty, but setting clear boundaries, sitting down with your kids to discuss family rules and traditions, and using natural and logical consequences are my top three go-to. Children will want to push back as they grow older, so the boundaries and rules must change over time as they crave autonomy. We can give them independence and still set boundaries. Some boundaries don’t have to be fixed, like screen time. Also, allow your child to experience the consequences of their actions. If they don’t study for their exams, the natural result is they fail. Instead of lecturing them, sit down with them and do problem-solving. How can I help you as a parent to improve your grades? Do you need more support?
5. Daily Challenges: What are parents' most common challenges in adopting peaceful parenting techniques, and how can they overcome them?
The challenge would be knowing how to integrate the tools when we haven’t gone through the healing process. I’ve experienced trying to put into practice the principles but have not been able to identify my triggers fully. Thinking that healing is linear is also an obstacle. We believe that once we have identified triggers, we’re done with healing. Remember: healing is like peeling an onion. It reveals a new layer of wounds that we need to heal. So, it’s essential that you have at least gone through the first part with a coach who can guide you through the process, and you can do it on your own after that.
6. Success Stories: Can you share a transformation story from your coaching that illustrates the benefits of peaceful parenting?
I had a client who is also my best friend, and because I was aware of her childhood, I didn’t think twice when she asked me if I could help her. She used to yell a lot at her then two-year-old daughter. She was overwhelmed with motherhood and drowning in guilt because of how strict she used to be. She would spend her days getting irritated at her daughter, thinking why she couldn’t listen the first time. When we were at a gathering recently with our other friends, everyone noticed how calm she was as a mum and how she communicated with her child in a confident but kind way. They also saw how her daughter, now four years old, can communicate her boundaries confidently and politely. Even her husband raved about the difference he saw in his wife and daughter. There was less tension in the family, and my friend now operates in a place of empathy, not fear. From an overwhelmed and disconnected parent, she transformed into a calm, confident mom who shares a trusting and loving relationship with her daughter.
7. Practical Tools: What practical tools or techniques do you recommend to parents just starting their peaceful parenting journey?
I would say to learn how to do The Pause (stop, drop, and breathe) in tandem with a sensory calming tool and to incorporate one mindfulness habit that will support their journey. I recommend doing meditation or journaling. Both help you focus on the now and be more aware of what you do and how it affects your child. These habits also keep you grounded, making it easier to stay calm.
8. Maintaining Calm: How can parents keep calm and composure even in the most testing moments with their children?
I often teach parents to find their way. Why do they love their kids so much? And remember that why, especially during the most challenging moments. You can even turn it into a mantra that you can use when you get triggered. And when you fail to keep calm, we’re only human. Give yourself grace. No parent is perfect. Even for me, especially when life throws you a lot. I teach my clients how to repair with their kids once a rupture happens. Remember that repair also teaches your kids how to apologise effectively, and your modelling of that skill will also impact them.
9. Impact on Children: How does peaceful parenting affect children's emotional and psychological development?
Peaceful parenting positively influences children's psychological development by teaching them emotional regulation, boosting their self-esteem, fostering empathy and compassion, enhancing problem-solving skills, and promoting secure attachment. Through consistent, empathetic, and respectful interactions, children learn healthy coping strategies, feel valued and understood, and develop into emotionally intelligent, resilient individuals.
10.Something I Wish People Knew About Me?
I wish people knew that I could be better even as a parent coach. I give myself grace when I do fail to regulate myself. I wish people knew that what you see on Instagram is the same person you’ll see in real life. I am the sum of all my parenting wins and losses, so I have been where you are now.
If people are interested in following you, please provide your details:
I provide parent coaching sessions via Zoom or WhatsApp to support parents struggling with their triggers, from feeling overwhelmed, frustrated, and disconnected from their kids to cultivating a sense of calm, confidence, and connection in their parenting journey. Together, we'll dig deep into the limiting beliefs and trapped emotions that affect their parenting approach, overcome those blocks, and give guidance in the actionable steps they must take to achieve their desired results. Let's work together to unlock your full potential as a parent and create the life you've always dreamed of. I have slots open for my Peaceful Parenting Accelerator 1:1 Coaching Program starting in June.
Top Quotes
Jaymie likes this quote:
“Life is like an onion; you peel it off one layer at a time, and sometimes you weep.” Carl Sandburg
Below are the quotes I like on this topic:
“My father’s eyes meet mine. I shake my head and it’s like we’re having these private conversations in our minds.” Logan Chance
“Parents are the ultimate role models for children. Every word, movement and actions has an effect. No other person or outside force has a greater influence on a child than the parent.” Bob Keeshan
“I think it’s necessary to let kids get bored once in a while-that’s how they learn to be creative.” Kim Raver
“You can’t teach children to behave better by making them feel worse. When children feel better, they behave better.” Pam Leo
Questions and Reflections
1. Question: What are the common triggers that parents face daily, and how can recognising them change the family dynamics?
Reflection: Consider when you feel overwhelmed or irritated as a parent. Identifying these triggers can be the first step toward managing your reactions and fostering a more peaceful home environment. Reflect on how understanding your triggers could improve interactions with your children.
2. Question: How can effective communication enhance the relationship between parents and children?
Reflection: Consider the last time you had a misunderstanding with your child. How could better communication have changed the outcome? Reflect on how you currently communicate and think about strategies to make your interactions more nurturing and clearer.
3. Question: What role does empathy play in parenting, and how can developing this skill benefit both parents and children?
Reflection: Recall a recent incident where empathy could have led to a different outcome in a challenging parenting situation. Reflect on how developing a deeper sense of empathy might help you connect with your child’s feelings and perspectives, potentially transforming challenges into moments of bonding and understanding.
Conclusion
As we close this blog on Healing Triggers, Building Bonds: A Parent Coach’s Story of Jaymie, remember that understanding and nurturing the emotional dynamics within your family isn't just about avoiding conflict—it is about creating deeper connections. Embracing the journey of recognising triggers and fostering empathetic communication can transform your relationships with your children. Let this guide you to more harmonious and loving interactions that heal and strengthen the bonds you share with your family. Keep exploring, growing, and cherish each step towards a more connected and joyful family life.
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Connect with me:
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With much Love
Mukti Santos
“As parents, we guide by our unspoken example. It is only when we’re talking to them that our kids aren’t listening.” Robert Brault
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